There is something truly amazing about believing in yourself; something so deep, so meaningful, magical and inexplicable. Believing is the virtue of holding on to one’s capacity to endure and wait . . . and expect even if everything seems grainy, vague and unsure.
Believing in yourself is like crossing a busy road. It’s like taking caution while taking the risk, all together in a full pack of determination. It is like loading your heart with all the purest intention and inspiration you can pick along the way.
Believing in yourself is being aware that although the road is dark and unclear, there is still a tiny little ray of light that will brighten the path.
It is about training yourself to be able to see in the dark, it’s like allowing yourself to get lost and be found. Believing in your own abilities is taking the power to spin the wheel and change destiny itself.
It may seem hard to believe in YOU, but that’s a common belief since not everyone has the courage to do so. Believing in you is the act of trusting others. . . trusting them not to discourage you, trusting them to support you, trusting them to trust you. Although it may seem like you’re relying on their justification, trust me it is not – Trusting others means believing in yourself. . . it means believing in your own way of making things work for the better.
Believing in yourself is about taking the train unknowingly. Not sure about the final destination, yet enjoying the ride throughout the whole time. It’s about learning as you journey, and achieving even greater experience as you go along.
Believing in yourself is bravery. It is knowing that even if nobody else looks up to you, you’d still go ahead and pursue your virtues. It is about linking reality and your dreams; it is about looking at yourself in the morning every morning, whispering a simple reminder of how wonderful you are.
It is about you, telling yourself to trust your actions since you can never please everyone. It is about you believing in YOU first and foremost.
Believing in yourself is liking your SELF, it is loving your SELF, it is trusting your SELF, it is knowing your SELF, it is appreciating your SELF, and most importantly it is
being your SELF.
Come to think of it. . . If you don’t believe in YOU, who else will? Believing is committing. It is trusting completely without any trace of doubt, and it is leaving everything in your own judgement. It is having faith your own ability, and it is gathering all that strength you kept hidden since day 1.
This is not an act of selfishness, or self-praise, or what not. It is NOT an act of patronizing your beliefs, It is not even a promotional message of not depending on others; it is rather a motivational move of changing your ways for the better, for a healthier change we all yearn and crave for – because in order to see the ‘change’ we all seek, we must become the change that we are praying for. CHANGE has to begin within you.
Remember that the smallest institution of life is YOU — as a whole entity, YOU as a SINGLE human being, and YOU as a unique and beautiful creature. It is but proper to believe and improve YOU first, before turning to others.
Believing in yourself is about opening to possibilities and accepting failures. It is about you, growing from a dreadful caterpillar to a beautiful butterfly, it is about you being a bee — spreading sweetness from one blooming flower to another, it is about YOU– promoting self-consciousness and awareness in the world. It is about you, not listening to negative criticisms, rather absorbing all the bad comments and using each painful experience . . . piling it all up, to be utilized as a stepping stone for improvement.
I hope you find the courage to fight for your ideas and your dreams. I hope you always find the strength to stand alone until you make it to the top, until you find your tribe, until you find a way to stand tall and prove everyone wrong. I hope you don’t let their words discourage you or their advice veer you off the path you’re on. Don’t let their limited minds diminish your big dreams. Don’t let their experiences hinder yours.
I hope you find the courage to take off. Move to a new city, change your career, start over, share your heart with the world, give your talent a fair shot. I hope you understand that this road is not easy or smooth and you might find a lot of bumps and a lot of people giving you wrong directions but I hope you take that road anyway. I hope you keep driving and I hope you navigate your way through all the dead ends and all the roadblocks. I hope you know that the final destination is beautiful and it’s worth it.
I hope you know that getting lost on that road is the best way to get lost and ultimately, the best way to find yourself.
I hope you find the courage to wear your vulnerabilities and your scars like a badge of honor. I hope you don’t let people shame you or make you shy away from your emotions or your feelings. I hope you don’t let their own insecurities make you believe that your struggles are not valid or that your voice doesn’t matter.
I hope you don’t let their meaningless words stop you from finding meaning in your life or finding your calling. I hope you don’t let them make you feel small because you’re capable of doing so many great things. So many big things. So many magical things.
I hope you find the courage to believe in yourself even if you’re too old or too young, even if things aren’t shaping up the way you want them to, even if it’s taking you years to accomplish what someone else accomplished in a month, even if you feel like you’re in the wrong dream. I hope you find the courage to be persistent, to try again, to rise up, to build up yourself when others destroy you.
I hope you find the courage to be your biggest fan until you have real fans. I hope you find the courage to clap for yourself when no one else claps for you. I hope you find the courage to know that you’re bound to win no matter how many times you’ve lost.
I hope you find the courage to believe in yourself because that’s the only thing that will protect you from the naysayers and everyone trying to belittle you. That’s the only thing that will warm you up when people turn cold. That’s the only shield you’ll ever need to win your battles. I hope you find the courage to believe in yourself because you have what it takes to live a life you’re proud of. A life dictated by you , not anyone else.
My friend, I know you might have had a picture of
how you wanted your life to be, but some uncontrollable tragedy swept it away.
We all have a certain picture of how we want our lives to be, and sometimes it
gets ripped from our grip and smashed to pieces. Our dreams can get crushed in
an instant, in the most horrible ways, with irreversible results.
In counseling, this is called intrapsychic grief:
the pain of losing what could have been and will never come to pass. It’s just
as painful as any physical loss, and like any kind of grief, will remain
overhead like a dark cloud for a long, long time.
We might be living in a life right now that doesn’t
feel like it’s ours, you and I. we might be in a different place than we had
hoped for. Today could be different than you had imagined and planned a year
ago. Your heart will pull for another chance, another door, and another world.
We wake up in a daze, wondering how things changed
so fast. We wait, hoping it will go back to the way it was.
The three hardest words to live with are often: in
the meantime. Yet in the meantime is the whole thing.
If you are waiting for your “real life” to start,
after graduation or when you’re married or when you get to big city, you will
stay in a holding pattern. The time will pass anyway. The tide doesn’t wait.
So I hope you will consider starting in the
When dream dies, it dies. We can mourn. We pound our
chest. We can bleed. And at some point, we must let go and not linger. You can
open your hands to another dream. I hope you don’t try to revive something
You can get over what’s over because you are not
When the 10 count is over: you can count to 11.
What comes next will not be what you had envisioned.
It might be better or be worse. I hope you will keep dreaming anyway. I hope
you will consider God can do a new thing.
You are free to pursue something new.
is how you can change your story
I am trying to change my story. I am trying to
change my narrative. I am trying to trying to change the voices in my head.
I am trying to tell the world another story about
myself. I am trying to make it a story of hope, faith, and success rather than
a story of struggle, despair and failure.
I am trying not paint myself as a victim anymore. I
am done blaming my parents, my school, my friends, my community or my culture
for all my setbacks. I am working with what I have got. I am finally figuring
out the right paths for me. I am finally driving in the right direction. I am
finally learning that it doesn’t have to be a sad story with no destination. I
am finally learning that I can still change the ending. I can still make it a
I am trying not to associate my age with everything.
Why I am not married, why I don’t have kids, why I am not rich or why I haven’t
traveled to all the countries I wanted to visit. I am changing my hopeless
questions to one simple answer: faith. I am changing my story from being
hopeless to being faithful.
I no longer
think everything in my life was delayed, everything thing was right on time,
everything came exactly when it should have arrived – not sooner or later
because now I have the wisdom to appreciate them, the strength to endure the
obstacles on the way, the stamina to fight harder for what I believe in and the
gratitude to be thankful for the whole journey.
I am changing my story from loneliness and darkness
to self-love and light. I am changing the tone of negative self talk, of
feeling inadequate, of being afraid of missing out, of being too attached to
the minor things in life, of being too concerned about what people think to
simply letting go of perfection, of deadlines of expiration dates and
I am human, I am still finding myself, I am still
trying to understand life. I am still trying to define what happiness is, I am
still trying to understand what kind of love I am looking for and I am tired of
feeling sorry for myself just because I don’t have all the answers.
I am done trying to make story all about answers, I
just want to enjoy reading it, I just want to enjoy living it. I just want to
try to make it a good one. Even if it means having more questions than answers,
even if it means not getting everything I want.
I am not going to change the essence of the story; I
am changing everything around it. I am changing the way I write it. I am
changing my voice, my tone and my speech.
I am taking my pain and heartbreak and turning them
into something beautiful. I am editing my story, sometimes we forget that it’s
still a draft, not the final manuscript and we can always go back and change
it. It’s not over yet.
In the scheme of things, our lives are a millisecond
in history compared to whats happened and what’s to come. As consequence, a
majority of us strive to make a mark with little thought to the consequences
that come with it. Our days are made up of the main prerogative of looking and
analyzing our own success or likeability. Un fortunately, the times when
thinking of others comes into play, is either out of benefit towards ourselves
or how it comes across to the people we surround ourselves with.
Often times we forget the suffering that other’s
outside our lives carry before our own. We forget that our love and
understanding can be expansive. We take the kindness that we receive from
others for granted and distribute little of our own. We forget to ask questions
like: How have others taught me to choose kindness? How am I bringing kindness
into my own life, so that I can bring it to others? You’re the start of kind.
The people you surround yourself with, how you treat yourself, and the actions
that you choose are what it means choose kind. Choosing kindness is more than
donating money or calling a long distance friend. It is a daily practice that
you choose to bring yourself and the people around you. It is a practice we
often forget. To choose kindness we are extending compassion and understanding
to our own and others sorrows. We are saying to others and ourselves: I hear
you and I am here for you. Which I know sounds a lot like marital counseling
advice, but sometimes you need to set aside your pride to accomplish a larger
picture. In the end, we are choosing to allow others to speak out and suffer
less; this is also the start to learning how to love.
Kindness is often something that I forget to extend
to myself. It’s easy to lack understanding when we are looking at our flaws. It’s
even easier to lack compassion for ourselves. Often we have the feeling of
mediocrity, lack of self worth, and hatred for the things we cannot change. How
do you choose kind for yourself? Do you acknowledge these flaws? Do you I hear
you and I am here for you to yourself? By pushing aside your own self –hatred
and by dismissing the acknowledgement of compassion for yourself you are
turning away from kindness. Happiness cannot exist without the acknowledgement
Once you can choose kindness for yourself you are
able to bring it to others. You are able to extend the same amount of
compassion and understanding that you would to yourself. When others treat you
with hatred or bring their burdens to you, you should extend your kindness to
them. Love is as expansive as you allow it to be. It’s easy to forget that
others carry the same burdens that we do. By simply choosing to listen, we are
choosing kindness, because we are extending our compassion and understanding to
someone other than our self. In part we are starting to create an environment
in which people look at you in appositive light and ar able to reflect our
actions upon them and the people they love.
You can practice choosing kindness by simply being
there for others. You can make someone’s
day easier by doing something for him or her. You can smile and display love in
the capacity of offer joy. You have the ability to choose to offer kindness
everyday through active listening and the kindness you extend yourself. But
more than often we forget, we get frustrated at our own suffering, and we miss
the opportunities we have to practice understanding. So while mindful of how we
treat others and how we treat others and how treat ourselves, remember to
Can you recall a time somebody was kind to you? Now
change the scenario and think of a time you were kind to another person? Call
to mind their reaction and how you responded.
Move into your heart and notice the feelings there.
If you read no further than this point, you know that kindness affects the user
and experience-leaving a lasting impression.
In this fast pace world, kindness and compassion
takes a back seat to selfies, self-interest and expendable human interactions.
Every person is waiting is waiting to be discovered
or become rich, believing that holds the key to their happiness. Yet when they
attain success, they long for their former life having underestimated the
trappings of the fame and celebrity.
I enjoy this quote by Professor David W. Orr:
plain fact is that the planet doesn’t need more successful people. But it does
desperately need more peacemakers, healers, restorers, storytellers and lovers
of every kind. It needs people who live well in their places. It needs people
of moral courage willing to join the fight to make the world habitable and
humane. And these qualities have little to do with success as we have defined
Kindness is fundamental to human existence. We are
thrust into the world as newborns and enriched with the kindness of our
parents’ nurturing for the following years.
Humans are the only mammals with a prolonged
gestation period. Other creatures rely on support for a brief time before
becoming self-reliant. We are powerless at birth and depend on our caregivers
to provide for our needs.
Therefore, kindness is sewn into the framework of our
DNA. We are literally wired for kindness. Each individual has opinions on how
to improve world, though no one wants to practice kindness.
Do no harm
World peace will not arise from overthrowing
dictatorial powers or ending conflicts between nations. It will happen when
humanity raises its consciousness beyond that of fear and hatred.
I have often repeated that peace is only a thought
away. Its motives emerge through kind thoughts towards oneself and others.
love flows through specific channels of respect, integrity, purpose, meaning,
value, response-ability, forgiveness, kindness, and compassion of our new,
naturally ethical lives,” says author and psychotherapist Loch Kelly in Shift into Freedom: The science and practice of open-hearted
Kindness is not something that demands hard work. It
originates from the simple act of doing no harm to others.
It involves judging less; however compelled you
might be to do so. The ego is quick to
judge because it is victimized and hurt, so it retaliates in revenge.
Kindness, however, bites its tongue. It does not
seek to be right but rather to preserve peace of mind. You gain little by giving
someone a piece of your mind, other than inciting and separation. It was the
Lebanese-born poet khalil Gibran who wrote:
have learnt silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant, and
kindness from unkind; yet strange, I am ungrateful to these teachers.”
is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see” –Mark Twain
It might be clear to you that fighting force with
force is not the way towards peace. But you might ask, does that mean allowing
others to treat me unfairly?
No, not by any means, though you needn’t retaliate
with overwhelming force. I am not implying you become a doormat; however I urge
you to accept the lessons contained within the experience. Are you letting
others treat you unfairly on some level? Or unconsciously giving them
permission to do so?
matter how anyone responds to your kindness, just by repeating out loud the
words you didn’t hear often enough or never heard at all, you guarantee
yourself to be the one who exists each scene of life more healed, aligned and
expanded than the moment before,” affirms author matt Kahn in whatever
Arise, Love That that: “A Love Revolution
that begins with you.”
Kindness has many benefits including increased
happiness and a healthy heart. It slows down the aging process and improves
relationships and connections, which indirectly boosts your health.
People believe kindness is particular to those of
religious faith because of their moral vows. Kindness does not require you to
be of religious faith or even spiritual. Demonstrations of kindness are
observed in man’s best friend, the dog. Cats show kindness and are treasured
for their emotional connection.
Kindness broadens your life’s frame of reference and
is a symbol of respect to value the receiver.
It influences the giver more than the receiver and
has correlations with enhanced mental, emotional and physical well being.
People believe kindness signifies weakness and being
taken advantage of. Its important to delineate between kindness and being a
door mat to others. You can be kind and assertive when others attempt to profit
from your kindness.
human interactions become a way of practicing self-acceptance by treating
others with more patience, kindness, and respect, a constant need to be heard
shifts into listening as an act of love”
You should in no way undermine your self-worth at
the expense of others, but simply practice kindness while upholding your integrity.
It’s no surprise wicked acts have a greater
impression on us than acts of kindness. We are alerted to fear more than
Psychologists believe we are wired to detect that
which threatens our survival and happiness. We give attention to acts of
cruelty in the news because it is perceived as threat to our survival.
In these times of disingenuous social media
interactions, unkindness abounds as people hide behind screens.
This does not make it appropriate to abuse others.
There is a person on the other side of the screen with feelings we must take
An important lesson in kindness involves asking
How would I handle being the recipient of this? If
it doesn’t fell good avoid the behavior.
is hurt, and every time we honor our own struggles of others by responding with
empathy and compassion, the healing that results affects all of us,” avows
author and social researcher Brene Brown in Rising Strong.
I wish to leave you with a passage from mother
Teresa’s poem titled Anyway, in which she states: “People are often
unreasonable, illogical and self-centered; forgive them anyway. If you are
kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; be kind anyway.”
Incorporate the smallest acts of kindness into your
everyday life and notice the ripple effects.
The butterfly effect in Chaos Theory asserts that a
tiny event in one region of the globe can have a substantial effect somewhere
Armed with this knowledge, it is the Dalai Lama who
reminds us that if you can’t be kind, avoid harming others.
It doesn’t take much to accomplish “decent” results.
Entering into the top 25% of your field actually isn’t that hard. Most people
are content with “good enough,” and don’t try hard to improve what already
works. With a few small tweaks, you can actually make enormous progress.
But most people never get any better than that. Few
people ever get past this “good-enough” mindset. Good enough, is, well, good enough.
No need to put in any more effort. “If it aint broke, don’t try to fix it”
In short, most people settle for good instead of
working to achieve greatness. Jim Collins Wrote in his book, Good to great:
is the enemy of great. And that is one of the key reasons why we have so little
that becomes great. We don’t have great schools, principally because we have
good schools. We don’t have great government, principally because we have good
government. Few people attain great lives, in large part because it is just so
easy to settle for good life.”
Most people will only ever have a “good” life because
they are not willing to commit to putting in the effort for a great one.
fine, not everybody needs to work tirelessly for greatness.
But if you want big results… truly incredible results that will make you marvel
at your life, you must move past this mindset.
No more “dabbling”
No more screwing around.
You must choose to.
This is the only way to get the results you truly,
you are interested, you come up with stories, excuses, reasons, and
circumstances about why you can’t or why you won’t. If you’re committed, those
go out the window. You just do whatever it takes.”-
only way to become a leading man is to treat yourself like one
When Arnold Schwarzenegger was just beginning his acting career, he received many offers for lesser roles like Crude villains like Nazi officers, evil henchmen with no lines, and the like. All everyone saw was a foreigner with a thick accent and big muscles.
His agent begged him to take the roles. He refused.
Years after becoming the most famous leading man in
Hollywood, he wrote: “The only way you
become a leading man is to treat yourself like a leading man, and work your ass
The same case here, Robert Kyagulanyi aka “Bobi Wine”
Ugandan Afro-Pop star who in 2017 transitioned from being only a mere musician
into elective politics, Bobi’s stagnant life from a young shabby looking young boy
to a dreadlocked singer, Parliamentarian and he is committed to stand for Presidency
yet he was most known to use drugs and smoke, living in slums of Kamwokya, with
gangs of hooligans he self proclaimed Ghetto-President, Surviving only on
“Kikomando” (Chapati/Loti with Beans) Day in Day Out.
Briefly about Wine for those who don’t know him
He was born in Mpigi District central Uganda, but
came of age in Kamwokya, one of the poorest suburbs of Kampala the capital,
where he launched his music career in early 2000s after he graduated from
Uganda’s oldest university, Makerere University with a degree in Music, dance
and Drama. He came to be famously known as “Ghetto President” for persistently
speaking out about the struggles of the lower classes and the urban poor in
His lyrical genius and courage to drop songs that
hit directly at government failures and excesses made him spectacularly popular
among Ugandan youth. He insisted that Ugandans had many questions but few
answers from the corrupt dictatorial leaders
His outspokenness and growing popularity made him
target of government censorship, particularly after current President Museveni
who has been in power since 34 years 1986. In 2016, Wine rejected president’s
offer to join fellow musicians whom were paid by the government to compose a
song praising President’s efforts and to campaign for him.
In 2017, Wine seized the opportunity to contest in
Parliamentary election in Kyaddondo East, a constituency on the outskirts of
Kampala, he won the seat in a landslide victory despite Government’s all. After
he was sworn in as an MP, Wine didn’t stop, he then embarked to raise ghetto
life flags high in Parliament, at the height of debates on the constitutional
amendment that would later remove the age limit for the president, allowing
current aged president Museven to run for yet another re-election, wine
released “Freedom” “Peace” “Stand up and we go” “we will be crowned” “Kyalenga”
and many strong hits to the government.
Together with the oppositions parties, he led
“Togikwatako” (Do not touch) movement which protested the changing of the last
clause in the constitution that stood in the way of 74-year-old President
holding into power for life. During one of the parliamentary debates, the army
stormed parliament and several MPs we assaulted. Wine continued to put pressure
on the govern by rallying young people to protest against new social media tax,
mobile money tax, and laying out strong firing words and statements to
So the more clear you are on your goals, the easier
it is to say no to irrelevance.
Before Peter Dinklage Joined the case of the globally popular show Game of Thrones, he refused to play leprechauns or elves, the only parts he was offered for someone his height. He held out and treated himself like a leading man.
you want to be a leading man or woman, you have to treat yourself like one.
Otherwise, no one will take you seriously.
you do not predetermine what you will (and will not) do, you will always end up
taking good not great opportunities.
I remember during college or university times, our
class comprised of all different categories of people with different characters
and personality. Watching most of things from the distant, because it was my
character, my personality, my nature born cool soft heartedly, I am introvert by nature. Watching extrovert
students in many fields, many positions, like in politics, clubs, football, and
many other areas of their dreams, where their potentials and abilities lied.
Marion Akatusaasira, Kirabo Joan and Kizito Abdu were good in leadership, (Politics) we trusted them to be our coordinators, for three years, they didn’t stop there, they were even elected on Guild Cabinet in the reign of Engeneer Lumu Jessy, Guild present. 2015-2016.
Gilbert, Okot Ben, Elipu Bruno, Matovu Stephen and Ssembatya Deo, were good in
Sports and many other friends, who were very popular. I wasn’t in any of those
positions, even though I was talented in some like; Football because it is in
my blood, more than any other game and politics. I would have participated in
one of the above, but Why Not?!
discovered myself, I knew myself from beginning that my dream was to be a
writer, my dream was to be a therapist, to be an educator and lastly to be a
traveler (Geography was my best done at higher level before joining Social
science at University).
I spent most of the time in library, reading books
of all categories, chatting with few friends I was close too.. Like Waliggo
Kenneth and Luswata Shafik , and my roommates Ibrah Lukwago, Jacky
Nabulonge, and John Bosco. Consulting
Lectures like Mukiibi Andrew Adrian, and Lwanga Edward to develop my research
capabilities, interacting with professions, Doctors, Writers, Authors, and
Therefore if you do not predetermined what you will
(and will not) do. You will always end up taking good not great opportunities.
When I finished my Studies I moved to Kampala to
teach, heal, and manage young mothers in one of the top organization helping
mothers and vulnerable youth called Pelletier Teenage mothers foundation
(PTMOF) I told myself I was going to use all my spare time to create my ideal
life, running my own business as a writer.
When the wrong opportunities came knocking, it
wasn’t hard to say no. in fact, it was a no brainer. It didn’t matter how much
I was being offered to be teen mother’s trainer, counselor, therapist,
administrator, and field officer… these things weren’t going to help me reach
my goal, so the answer was obvious.
I wanted to become a top-tier writer, so that’s how I treated myself. That’s how I saw myself. After a year of treating myself like this, I did a thing which even my bosses didn’t aware of; the fact is I used the little time I got to pen down at least 5+ pages every day, By the end to 2018, the book titled “Make Me Understand Family, Parenting and Health”https://www.spreesy.com/archileeslukonge/2 Amazon Link https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07J1PB2ZG Was already written, and published on Amazon.
It is very hard to say no to an opportunity if you
don’t know where you’re going.
But its extremely easy to say no if you know what
the ladder is not leaning against the right wall, every step we take just gets
us to the wrong place faster”-Stephen
If you want the lifestyle of a leading man or woman,
you need to treat yourself like that and (work your ass off) – look at Bobi
Otherwise, you will constantly be unsure and
uncertain in your decision-making, often making choices that pull you farther
and farther from your goal.
higher the standards you set for yourself, the more likely you will finally
land the leading role.
are kept from our goal not by a clear path to a lesser goal.”-Robert Brault
it’s so hard to commit? but even harder not to
all must suffer one of two pains: the pain of discipline or the pain of
It’s hard to commit. Really hard. But the
alternative…never committing is even worse.
It’s exhausting to stew in mediocrity. Constantly
wrestling with mental anguish, uncertainty, and apathy will drain the energy
It takes monumental effort to get up out of the bed every
day, knowing your day is going to suck.
are spending energy anyway; why not spend your energy on upgrading and
Why not focus your thoughts and efforts on making a
I was so broke, we grew up in poor family, and my
father was addicted to alcohol for almost 3 decades! Alcohol became part of his
daily routine, internal organs like Lungs, Liver, Heart, Kidney was at risk, and
last year he severely fell sick repeatedly nearly to death he was rushed to
Kampala for specialized treatment.
We grew up
knowing that, he was bewitched to drink alcohol, bewitched to keep him and his
family in Poverty, but what happened after diagnosed by a doctor, shocked us
and those knew him. Doctor told him to quit Alcohol otherwise he will die
early, it was impossible to believe that a person who relied on alcohol for thirty
years, can one day stop drinking alcohol. It was a miracle from God!
broke, I hated every part of my life, but one day I knew it was time to get
serious. So I stopped fooling around and decided I would do whatever it took to
kick away my feelings, my perception. Committing was really hard. But now that
I have had several years sobriety, I can look back and see how insanely harder
it was to stay in such life.
I woke up everyday hating myself. I couldn’t even
look at my eyes in the mirror for more than a couple seconds without turning
away in shame seeing my friends better well off, looking at others families
living in better life. I was always thinking ahead about how to get this fixed.
I couldn’t relate with people, because internally I was totally empty. That was
my life everyday living in state of loneliness, doubt, sadness, mourning and
whatever you can call.
was hard, yes.
But years of poverty, and never being willing to do
whatever it took were infinitely harder.
It may seem unthinkable now to commit to whatever
you aspire to do. But know this; your future self would probably look at your
life right now and remember just how much harder it was back then.
most people will never avoid mediocrity?
Real, substantial change only comes in two ways:
Either you raise your standards high enough to inspire
Your pain becomes bad enough that you are forced to
change out necessity.
The reason most people will never avoid mediocrity
is because they never experience either option.
people never raise their standards to substantially high levels; on the other
hand, these people work just hard enough to avoid experiencing real pain; the
pain that would inspire change.
This is why I am so glad I have hard to struggle: I
am glad I had a speech impediment that got me bullied as a kid though out
higher levels. I am glad that I had to go to therapy and counseling for my
father issues, young mothers and many people I changed their lives. In a weird
yet powerful way, I am glad I languished as a mediocre writer for nearly 2
years before finally getting it somehow right. I have come to understand my
struggle is what gives me fuel to become extra ordinary.
Mark Manson Wrote in The subtle Art of not giving a f*ck:
extent of the struggle determines the extent of the growth”
be glad that the pain is bad enough for you
Because for many people, the pain is never bad
enough to inspire change. The pain Is never bad enough to make them raise their
are always asking me about the secrets
and tricks I used to get results. Sorry if this disappoints you: there
are no secrets. There are no tricks. It’s simple. Ask yourself where your now,
and where you want to be instead”- Tim Grover, personal trainer of Michael
Jordan- (abensero mumumanyi)
If you want big; truly big results; you’re going to
have to commit.
No more screwing around. No more half-assing or
half-measures. Otherwise, you will never avoid mediocrity.
1 year ago, I positioned myself toward my goal to be
good writer, but I bet there is improvement, reviews, and comments about my publications
are inspiring, it’s too early to say that I am an awful writer, your there to
judge, whether I am fooling myself there Is still a long way to go, or close to
the big names of most known Authors. 5 years ago I was broke, but rich at
heart, I was depressed, and hopeless.
I decided to commit. After university, (MRU) I was
Lucky to start working in top organizations without months of volunteering
(from fresh graduate to start earning is the difficult transition in the life
of the graduate)But God was on my
side, I was enrolled in three major positions (Administrator, secretary, and
field officer) at Pelletier Teenage Mothers Foundation (PTMOF) . How did I manage to effectively and
efficiently balance all pressurizing positions and working on my first book?
Being committed, to chase my dreams…. only that, You can, too; if you’re willing to fully commit
1. Imagine you are standing at a train platform and unhelpful thoughts are the trains that pass, you don’t need to get on every train, acknowledge them and let them pass.
2. Before you spend your time and energy solving a problem, make sure it’s your problem.
3. Stop expecting to find closure. There are times when it just won’t happen. The fact that the relationship ended is the only closure you’re going to get.
4. Your time and energy are valuable and spendable just like money. You don’t go and blow all your hard earned bucks on things that are shitty and make you feel terrible, so stop blowing all your time and energy on people and things that are shitty and make you feel terrible.
5. Name as many embarrassing moments for someone else as you can in a minute. You probably cant think of much. This is how people view your embarrassing moments.
6. Treat yourself as you would treat a small child. Would you only give them fast food? Deprive them of sleep? Let them lay on the couch all day?
7. You are in control of your life. Not your parents or friends or boss or society. You may be shaped by them but you can’t live your life blaming them for everything and not doing anything to improve your situation.
8.Just because someone doesn’t buy a million dollar house, it doesn’t make the house worth less than it is.
9. It’s not moving on, it’s moving forward
10. Do not blame everything on yourself. The way you turned out to be is not 100% on you so stop feeling bad about it, stop trying to go back in time to fix it. You can however learn to manage the outcome.
11. This is your circle. Decisions you make go in this circle. You can consciously let people influence your decisions, but even that is something you did in your circle. That’s their circle. You are not responsible for what they do in their circle. You cannot live your life doing things in your circle to keep people from doing things in their circle and vise-versa
12. You can’t blame someone for how they were raised and what they experienced, but you can absolutely hold them accountable for how they treat others because of it.
13. Stop trying to understand feelings, just feel them.
14. Don’t beat yourself up for not making leaps and bounds of progress. Progress is progress no matter how small.
15. Don’t hold things in. Think of yourself as a balloon, if air is released slowly, it’s much more pleasant than if the balloon gets too full and pops.
16. Be with yourself rather than by yourself.
17. Your past may influence who you are but you do not have to be tied to it like an anchor.
18. Comparison is the thief of joy.
19. What if you just walked away? Did you forget that you can choose what you do?
20. You cannot rescue people.
21. You’re never going to be happy if your whole personality revolves around trying to be likable.
22. Be around people you want to be like.
23. Don’t live within a negative emotional moment. Negative feelings like hatred, jealousy, self doubt, anger all pass eventually. So wait for these feelings to pass before making decisions or do important tasks.
24. Your anxiety symptoms are uncomfortable, but not deadly. Try to treat them like a cold. Treat yourself, but it will also need time and patience.
25. Just because you think it doesn’t mean it’s true.
26. Good people can do bad things.
27. Don’t dwell on past mistakes. If you start overanalyzing your regrets, acknowledge the negative thoughts, and then move on to setting a goal or thinking about something you’re looking forward to instead. Try to focus on the positive, and eventually you’ll ‘retrain’ your brain to think that way more naturally.
28. As long as you’re still breathing … there’s time to change.
29. Replace bad old memories with good new memories.
30. When people want to kill themselves, they very rarely actually want to die. They want the pain to stop, and are so desperate they can’t see the difference.
31. Every family is dysfunctional, just in different ways.
32. Pick your battles. Life is too short and your peace is too precious to martyr it over arguing or worrying about the battles that don’t even matter.
33. The only thing you can change is yourself.
34. Accept your problems and try to live with it. Because life is not prefect you will always get some of problems. And be thankful for life even if you don’t feel good. Positivity is the only thing that makes us happy.
35. Life is happening for you, not to you.
36. Just because they are family doesn’t mean you have to love them and be apart of each other’s lives.
37. If crying really is your only option, it’s ok to do it.
38. Think about what’s most likely to happen instead of what’s the worst thing that could happen.
39. Try to enjoy life and not just ‘get through’ it.
40. Yes, you are going to feel like shit for a while. But you will get over it.
41. If there’s a lion behind you, keep walking. Just because it’s behind you doesn’t mean it’s attacking. Deal with the problems currently attacking you.
42. Throughout the day, when you’re not focused on doing anything, just focus on nothing for a second. Close your eyes. Take a deep breath.
43. Never take on the emotion of the situation. If you do, the situation controls you.
44. You’re not responsible for your father’s actions or behavior.
45. If you think you don’t need your meds anymore, they’re working. Keep taking them.
46. You didn’t always (specific behavior). So, you don’t always have to. You can go back.
47. Counseling is not necessarily meant to save a relationship, it’s to help you figure out what you want and what’s best for you.
48. Fuck what they think. You don’t need approval.
49. You should not rely on other people for you to feel happy. You will only burden them with your problems and put your issues on them. Same goes for them. They should not rely on you to feel happy.
50. It doesn’t sound to me like you really want to die, but that you just don’t want to suffer. That is a perfectly human reaction to not want to suffer, so let’s work on some ways to minimize that.
After spending time in therapy of all kinds, testing with various therapists and psychiatrists, documenting my own life and conditions and staying permanently informed about therapeutic methods, I’ve put together a list of 20 most common things a therapist should never do in relation to their client. This list is not exhaustive, but it’s based on my own and my friends’ experience, clinical support studies and advice from good therapists I have met.
1. They can’t or refuse to give you information about the type of therapy or method they use.
This is actually the first question you should address a psychotherapist at your initial get-to-know-each-other session. They should be able to introduce themselves thoroughly from a professional point of view and explain their work method and type of the therapy they specialise in. First sessions are not just an exchange of information between the patient and the specialist, but also the negotiation of how the therapy will be assessed, how long it may last and what are the expected results based on the addressed goal. If your therapist can’t or won’t disclose such basic information, you should rather book a couple more appointments with other specialists and decide afterwards who’s best for you. First encounters in therapy are like job interviews, where you are the client and the therapist is your service provider. Make sure you know well who you want to hire!
2. They talk too much.
The focus in therapy is supposed to be on you – the client. You’ve reached your therapist’s office to seek advice, help, to understand or better yourself as an individual. A therapist should know when to open a different topic, how to guide you through a difficult emotional situation, and mostly, when to shut up. Unless they’re giving you important information about your treatment, progress or are asking more relevant insight from you, they shouldn’t be making the session about themselves.
3. They don’t keep a file or they forget important information about your case.
Naturally, therapists are humans and with the dozens of patients they see each week it’s normal to sometimes forget this or that. However, if your therapist makes a track record of forgetting crucial information about your situation, you should ask them whether they keep a file of your case. A patient file is mandatory and relevant in the sense that it contains all the important information about your past and current situation along with the progress your sessions make. If they don’t keep such journals, it’d be advisable to look for a therapist with a greater degree of organization.
4. They give unsolicited advice.
This is code red for leave, now, and it’s the one thing psychotherapists should never, ever do. Giving a patient life advice is unethical. The whole point of therapy is to become aware of your own thoughts, emotions and needs, and to be able to make decisions by yourself, no matter how difficult it is or how long it takes to reach that level of awareness. Seeing a therapist who acts like the sympathetic friend or parent who always knows what’s best for you to do is not only completely counterproductive, but can be dangerous if you’re on unsteady ground/don’t know what’s best for you.
5. They get too close to you…
…be it physically or emotionally. The relationship you develop in therapy should respect healthy boundaries. If your therapist touches you, hugs you or initiates other types of physical contact without having your consent, you are right to wonder if that’s okay, especially if you feel like they’re pushing too much into your personal space.
6. They make sexual advances to you
Run. Now. Or call the clinic they work with and tell. This is under no circumstance acceptable and your therapist should not even be allowed in his field of work.
7. They are late. Constantly.
Being sometimes late for a good reason is human, but if your therapist makes you wait for them constantly, and don’t offer extra time in the sessions, consider finding an alternative therapist who respects their clients.
8. They don’t talk at all.
Therapists don’t do much talking in general, because the focus of the sessions is on the patient. However, a mute therapist can be confusing and infuriating for most people. If they refuse to answer any of your questions, make no input and simply leave you to talk endlessly without any kind of guidance or attention, you may consider fishing for a different approach.
9. They abuse you, harass you or insult you.
I once saw a therapist who said my body lines are an ugly way of trying to make myself special, and that they remind him of the iron stamps put on cows. While I was about to burst into tears, I stood up, kept myself composed, told him he’s an embarrassment to his profession and elegantly left. If something like this ever happens to you, know that you are not there to be judged upon your body, life choices, sexuality, health or general decisions. You are there to learn about yourself and heal with the help of a professional who is not allowed to hit you when you’re at your most vulnerable. From that experience, I learned I always have a choice, and my choice was to leave and never look back.
10. They don’t respect your personal point of view.
I used to be in therapy with this lady who liked to make recommendations for my love life. When I told her I am seeing someone new and that I’m not yet sure how the relationship will evolve, she leaned back on her chair and blurted the infamous “Well, you should date more people then”. Your therapist should never question your decisions or try to influence them, unless you are hurting yourself or thinking about suicide. She couldn’t seem to relate to my desire to date monogamously out of respect for my partner, so we parted ways.
11. They constantly avoid to talk about your progress in therapy or lack thereof.
Your therapist should be able to talk openly to you about your progress. If they refuse to debate on such matters, or keep you in suspension, be sure you can end it. Knowing your own progress is crucial to functional therapy.
12. They suggest they are the best therapist for you.
No one can tell you that. Period. If you are unsatisfied with the therapy, or you want to look for a different opinion, your therapist should be able to discuss this with you and assist you in making your own decision. If they threaten you, or say you won’t find anyone like them, you are very right to leave.
13. They don’t answer/return your calls.
If you’ve agreed that you can contact your therapist on their phone between sessions, they should be able to answer or reach back as soon as possible, especially if your case presents great attention or if you’re in the danger of hurting yourself. If they simply don’t return your calls or emails repeatedly, bring up the issue in your following session. If the issue persists, you know what you have to do…
14. They say your struggles are not real or undermine your problems.
Oh, Lord. How I like these scenarios. Basically, when a therapist says something like “Your struggles are not real”, they not only fail to understand you in any way, but they essentially fail at their job. A therapist is trained in determining the gravity of your issues and in finding the best solutions for overcoming them. If they say something like that, fire them mercilessly.
15. They focus only on the cognitive/emotional side of therapy.
Therapy is a process that in its very essence helps connect the rational and the emotional. While some therapies rather focus on one of these aspects, they should never eliminate the other from the therapeutic equation.
16. They don’t protect your confidentiality.
Therapy is confidential according to law in most countries. You should be signing an agreement with your therapist/clinic when you begin working together on your case that states everything you present the therapist with will remain confidential. They’re not supposed to give away information about your case neither to family members, your employer, or other people or organizations. Should they wish to discuss or collaborate on your case with another specialist, they should have your permission.
17. They criticise your statements or decisions.
A therapist is not your parent, friend, or any other random person you meet on the street who might have something to argue about your choices or remarks. They may ask you why you consider a certain decision – but never tell you that you’re wrong, because their mission is not to influence you, but to support you into taking the right decision for yourself at a certain time.
18. They want to befriend you.
Friendship between a client and therapist is completely non advisable and a good therapist should always refrain from taking in a patient whom they know in real life. This is simply because the therapist must be able to assess your situation objectively, without any external influences that can interfere with the therapy. Steer away from being friends with them on social media or in real life, for your own good.
19. They make you feel worse.
This is widely common in therapy, but it’s more difficult to determine. Therapy means exploring bringing to surface deeply hidden or unknown emotions. This can result into you feeling more depressed, worried or anxious, as purging repressed feelings is often a painstaking process. However, you and your therapist should be able to assess the effect of therapy after the first 5-6 sessions. If you’re constantly feeling uncomfortable, inadequate or anxious about therapy, bring this up to your specialist. Unfortunately, if there’s no conciliation or satisfactory outcome, you may have to look for a different professional. Therapy is not your key to happiness and it definitely doesn’t mean you walk in there, leave your problems and then feel instantly healed – but it should make you feel more relaxed, confident and in touch with yourself after a couple sessions. If what happens there doesn’t make any sense to you, consider opting out.
20. They won’t admit whether they can help you or not.
I once had a therapist who sighed whenever I asked her if she thinks she can truly help me navigate my anxiety. This gave me the creeps in the beginning, then it made me feel much more nervous and insecure. I started to wonder what was I doing, whether she was refusing to answer on purpose or because this was a therapy technique, and why do I keep paying her. Ultimately, I gathered the courage to ask her upfront why she avoids answering. She replied she has yet to determine that. We were on our 7th session when this happened and back then I didn’t know so much about how therapy should happen or what a therapist is required to do. Now I know: they are supposed to discuss this with you in the first session, and if they determine they can’t assist you along the way, they should tell you so. Not all therapists might specialize in your situation, but you have the right to the best service and assistance, and a therapist who just keeps you in limbo to cash in more money from you or says they’re undecided is briefly playing with your time and health. Stay informed, and don’t shy away from asking anything you’d like to know. It’s your right.
I’m slowly learning that I will never feel alone ever again because I am the mother to twins and that will never change. As far as realizations go, this is both liberating and terrifying. Liberating in that living with unconditional love in your heart frees you from seeking love out. Terrifying in that loving someone so hard makes you vulnerable to hurt and pain. Along with every memorable moment, there’s the possibility that something might go horribly wrong at any time.
I’m slowly learning that my life has changed. I’m no longer able to do the things that were once easy, mostly for logistical reasons. I cannot meet a friend for coffee or a drink at the last minute because socializing requires quite a bit of forethought. I can’t indulge a whim to hit the town at night without planning far in advance, or paying for a babysitter. My day-to-day existence has shifted permanently to accommodate my little one. But I’m not at all resentful. I want to be with my twins pretty much always anyway. i want to forget scary memories.
I’m slowly learning that my own needs are secondary to those of the tiny creatures I’ve created. Not because I’m an especially generous or kind individual, but because that’s what being a mom entails. There’s no avoiding it, really. When your babies needs to eat, you instinctively feed them. When they need a new diaper, you don’t let them sit in their soiled nappy for longer than absolutely necessary. When they cry, you work to soothe them.
I’m slowly learning that when you’re a mom, you can no longer be so
particular about things. You eat what you can, when you can. You won’t always
be entirely sated, but you’ll barely register lack of satisfaction since there
simply isn’t enough time. You get your nails done and your hair cut far less
frequently than before, not because you’re any less vain, but because you
forget to care about your own appearance. You exercise if and when you get the
chance, if and when you have the energy. At some point, it becomes easier to
recall how many poopy diapers you changed the day before than what you ate for
lunch that very afternoon.
I’m slowly learning that being a mom is all-consuming. You never get to stop being a mom. Ever. And that’s the beauty of it. Parenthood is a cloud that hovers over you at all times—sometimes bright, fluffy, and purely innocuous, other times suspiciously dark and foreboding.
I’m slowly learning that I’m a different person now. And that that’s okay. It would be impossible to remain the same. I am my former self, plus motherhood. I am not saying that being a mom requires abandoning every aspect of your former identity, or becoming better in any way. But it does require making tough choices, and learning. It demands stripping your old self down to her core, and choosing which pieces of her are worth preserving, and which pieces you’re better off jettisoning. It requires taking a hard look at yourself through the eyes of the person who’s pretty much programmed to adore you and to mimic your every move. It requires softening your heart, and toughening your soul.